scarred

If you follow me, or even know me, you know my situation. I found a lump in my neck/throat in August, been through many tests, and finally had surgery to get it removed. The surgery happened last Wednesday. My experience.. well.. it is definitely something I wouldn't have done unless I really needed to. And bottom line, I really needed to.

They asked me to be there at 10:30 am, even though the surgery wasn't until 12:30 pm. I was there on time. The nursing staff got me prepped and put an IV in my hand. Then I sat there. For about an hour and a half. Just waiting. Don't they know I'm about to go into surgery and I can't just sit there and wait. Thoughts crossed my mind... I tired to keep myself busy by chatting with my friends and playing on my phone. My mom was with me and tried to hold my hand for a bit. Not that I didn't want her to hold my hand, but I needed her to be strong for me. And I knew if I held her hand, we would just start crying. At the same time, I didn't want to freak myself out. I wanted to stay as calm as possible. I played, chatted and prayed until it was time to go.

At 12:30 pm, almost on the dot, the orderly came and took me to another room. I sat there and waited for my Dr. and Anesthesiologist to greet me. I met one of the nurses that would be in the Operating Room with me. At about 1 pm, my Dr. came in and asked how I was doing and said we would get started soon. Then he left and said he was going to have lunch. haha the Anesthesiologist came in about 15 mins after and introduced himself. I told him I was prone to nausea and hoped he would give me something. I was told by friends after being put under, you may wake up nauseous. At about 1:30 pm, a different Anesthesiologist came in and told me he would be taking over. The first thing I said to him was.. I don't want to be nauseous. haha He told me he would give me some meds but it wasn't for sure going to take the nausea away. As the nurse and the Anesthesiologist started taking me to the Operating Room (OR), he said I looked kinda nervous and he would take care of that.

side note.. 1:30 pm.. that means my mom was thinking I was in surgery for the last hour.. when really, they just moved me to another room.

After getting to the OR, they asked me to move to a more narrow bed. They strapped me on around my waist and pulled out these 2 things for my arms. They strapped my arms down and the Anesthesiologist told me he gave me something that would make me sleepy.. and that I might talk a lot. I said.. oh great.. and I was out. That's the last thing I remembered.

The next thing I knew, I was lying in bed, crying. I remember slightly opening my eyes and seeing the time was 5 something pm. I don't even remember where the minutes hand was. The nurse had put something on my lips and I woke up to that. The first thing I said to her was.. I'm thirsty.. Can I have some water? She said no. All she could give me was ice chips. Waking up from anesthesia is no fun. My body felt soo heavy. I felt like my limbs were tied down to the bed. I couldn't lift anything and I was crying. I don't know why, or what was going though my head or if I had some dream.. nothing. I was just crying. It was the strangest thing.

A couple minutes after I woke, my Dr. came over and asked me to smile, pucker my lips, and blink my eyes. I did all three. At least I felt like I did. I felt something weird. But I didn't know what it was at that point. That's when he told me he wanted me to stay the night in the hospital. I have never had to stay in the hospital in my life.. until that night. But I've never needed to have a surgery either. The last I heard from my Dr. was that he got the mass out, he had to cut some nerve, I would be staying over night, and he would see me tomorrow.

I closed my eyes and the next thing I knew, I was in my room. I had a head dressing on, wrapped around my forehead and under my chin. The part wrapped under my chin wasn't tight, but since I was super nauseous from the anesthesia, it was making me want to throw up. I spoke to my brothers and one of my sisters. At that point, my phone died so I could only call the numbers I remembered. AND, the more I spoke, the more nauseous I felt. It was not a good feeling. I called one of my friends, just to let them know what was going on and then I tried to go back to sleep. I remembered reading something before the surgery that said I should try to take a couple deep breaths every hour to help get the anesthesia out of my body. I tried that but no success. I was thirsty and hungry. I hadn't eaten anything since midnight the night before. The nurse said she only had a couple things because the kitchen was closed. I asked for some Jello (seems so cliche to have Jello in the hospital.. haha). As I was eating, I realized I couldn't really eat too well and I couldn't really open my mouth like I normally would. I ate a couple bites and felt like I was gonna throw up. My mom had to feed me because I was still out of it.

After trying to get through the nausea, I decided to sleep. That was the best thing for me. I was on and off sleeping, trying to feel better. I called my roommate and had her come bring my battery for my phone and a charger for my mom. My mom stayed the night with me in the hospital. Janice was also kind enough to bring some food for my mom. I was nauseous and couldn't eat so it was sad for me. Even the smell of the food was making me feel gross. As Janice was sitting there, I could feel myself getting more and more tired. I had to tell her I wanted to go back to sleep.

The thing about hospitals, they check your vitals like every 3 hours. So even if I wanted to sleep, they kept waking me up. The Dr. told my mom he would see me the next day at his office to take out a drain he left in my neck. He wanted to drain any extra fluid in there. I was discharged from the hospital around 4 pm and we headed to my Dr.'s office. He cut out the drain and took off the head dressing. He also prescribed me some different meds. He originally prescribed me Vicodin... but it made both my sisters and one of my brothers throw up. I for sure didn't want to throw up. I asked him to give me something else for the pain. During the appointment, he told me the tumor was outside of the gland, where he originally thought it was. He had to go a little deeper with the facial nerve dissection. Also, due to where the tumor was and the swelling of my nerve, he had to cut some of the nerve. He said he cut about an inch and a half and it would grow back... about a millimeter a month. Also, there was nothing I could do to help the process, I just had to wait.

After leaving the Dr.'s office, we went to Target to get the meds and some supplies to keep my wound clean. I went home and pretty much slept the night away. I was sooo tired. The Dr. said I lost the average amount of blood for that surgery and I would be tired until the blood replenished itself. Friday, my sister came over. I was about the same... still really tired and a little out of it. Saturday and Sunday, I hung out with family... still tired but almost back to normal. My sister came into town from Vegas so I've been hanging out with her and she's been driving me around. Monday, her and I hung out around LA and she cooked dinner.

Today is the first day I pretty much feel normal. I haven't been overly tired or dizzy. I saw my Dr. today to take out the stitches. He said I'm healing really well. The one and only thing that is going to take a lot of time is the nerve he had to cut. Right now, the right side of my face doesn't work. It's like I had a stroke. I can't move anything on the right side. I can't even blink properly. The good part of this all, I'm numb. I haven't felt any pain from the surgery... just a little discomfort. It was a blessing in disguise. The Dr. also told me he was a little worried about the mass. Because it was not in my gland, there was a much higher chance of it being cancerous. Results.. still BENIGN! woohoo! That's all I can ask for. The tumor is out, and it's benign. The whole face not working thing... it's ok, I can deal. At least I hope I can deal. Gotta try and stay positive through all this.

Here's what I look like today... scarred...



I'm only not smiling because I can't.. otherwise you'd see my pearly whites! =)